How to stop saying 'yes' and start saying 'no'

Although there are times when saying yes is the right option and it can be to our advantage, for example, if we are hoping for a promotion at work or a pay rise, there are also times when we should say no for the sake of our mental health and wellbeing.

Perhaps you’re already overworked and you’ve been asked to take on an extra workload, or maybe you’ve been asked to work late to help with an assignment. Whatever the reason, if saying yes is causing you stress and making you resentful, then it’s probably time to learn to say no.

Ongoing negative thoughts and feelings can put a great amount of pressure on our mind and body and will eventually take their toll, resulting in physical side effects such as headaches, heart palpitations and nausea. If these symptoms are left untreated, you are putting yourself at greater risk of heart disease, ulcers and depression.

Why do we find it so difficult to say no?

There are many reasons why we might find it hard to say no:

• Fear of rejection
• We don’t want to appear rude, unkind or selfish
• We don’t want to upset or make people angry
• We don’t want to cause an argument
• We’re afraid of losing our job

Steve Peters, author of The Chimp Paradox, rationalises our inner emotions and explains why we make hasty decisions. If you struggle with saying no and suffer from anxiety and stress because of it, this book can help you gain a clearer perspective on your thoughts and emotions and it offers ways to become more confident and assertive.

Things to remember when saying no

• It doesn’t make you a bad person
• You’re not responsible for other people’s reactions
• Try not to worry about what people think
• Value yourself 
• Remember how much stress and resentment saying yes has caused you in the past
• You are within your rights to say no
• What do you gain from saying yes? Does the positive outweigh the negative?

How can we learn to say no confidently?

It’s always tempting to begin with “I’m sorry but…” and to rustle up a tangled web of lies, however, this can make saying no even more difficult. You can be direct and confident without appearing rude and even though it might feel awkward and uncomfortable to begin with, the more you practise, the easier it will become.

Practise saying the words out loud to yourself or to a friend, making sure you remain polite yet self-assured at the same time. You could try something along the lines of; “I appreciate you asking me to help with the project, but I already have plans for that evening”.

If you feel that saying yes on this particular occasion would benefit you, maybe suggest a different time when it’s more convenient for you; “I would love to help but Tuesday isn’t good for me. Would Thursday be an option instead?”.

When we’re asked to do something that we don’t want to do, we might feel under pressure to say we’ll think about it, but this will only prolong the worry and anxiety. Imagine all the positive feelings you’ll experience once you have said no: self-confidence, empowerment, freedom and relief.

Remember that it’s impossible to please everyone all the time and by putting ourselves first and not spreading ourselves too thinly, we are able to focus better on the tasks we do say yes to and we’ll be less susceptible to negative thoughts and emotions.

How to pick yourself up when your job is dragging you down

Owing to the fact that we spend so much time at work, it’s inevitable there will be times when our job gets on top of us. Even if you are fortunate enough to love your job, there’ll be days when you feel overwhelmed, stressed or lacking in motivation. Although this isn’t uncommon, it can put a lot of pressure on our mental and physical wellbeing.

Long work hours, disagreements with colleagues, job insecurity and a heavy workload can lead to anxiety, stress, depression, sleep problems and lethargy. So, what can we do to alleviate angst and stress and get ourselves back on track when our job is dragging us down?

Stay motivated

Once you start to lose motivation at work, it will not only affect the way you think but also your actions. Perhaps you no longer feel the urgency to get to work on time, or maybe the highlight of your day is emptying the contents of the vending machine and taking more coffee breaks than usual. But there is a way back from this apathetic attitude…

Tips

• Prepare a healthy lunch and snacks the night before. Try to eat nuts, salad, chicken, pulses and other protein-rich foods that will boost your energy and keep you alert.
• Replace coffee with water or a vitamin-rich smoothie. This will keep you hydrated and help focus your mind.
• Get up half an hour earlier so that you aren’t rushing around and have plenty of time to eat breakfast.
• Get your clothes ready the night before and choose something that’s comfortable but also makes you feel good about yourself.
• Take a full lunch break at work to help you re-energise. A short walk outside in the fresh air will also give you an energy boost and a daily dose of vitamin D. 

Don’t dwell on things

It may seem easier said than done to not dwell on misdemeanours in the workplace, especially when we fear our job may be at risk. But we need to remember that we are only human and mistakes do happen. When we overthink a situation, we can put a lot of pressure on our mental wellbeing, which can lead to stress and anxiety.

Tips

• When we’re accountable for our actions, people are more likely to understand and forgive any mistakes we make. Burying your head or shifting the blame onto someone else will only make the situation worse and cause people to lose trust in you. 
• If something's playing on your mind and causing you distress, speak to someone about it so you can gain a clearer perspective and act towards resolving the situation.
• Take up a hobby or sport outside of work to focus your mind on something positive.
• Remember each day is a new start.

Stop complaining

If you find yourself constantly complaining about the same things, it’s likely you need to take action. Negative thoughts are not only bad for our mental health, they can impact on our physical wellbeing, too.

Tips

• Recognise recurring concerns and decide if it’s something you can improve or change. If it is, then make a list of steps you can take to make those changes.
• Start looking for the positives – what do you enjoy about your job? 
• Distract your thoughts with things that make you happy and make an effort to do more of them.
• Speak with your boss about anything you find particularly stressful and find ways you could overcome this.

According to research undertaken by Mind, work is the biggest cause of stress in people’s lives so it’s vital that we find ways to be happier in our jobs.


Try to remember we always have a choice to make changes and although it may seem daunting to begin with, once you start to take action, you’ll feel more motivated and able to face challenges with a more positive attitude.

Ways to stop overthinking your job

Overthinking our job is a common trap. When you consider that we can have up to 70,000 thoughts per day, according to a National Science Foundation study, with 95% of the thoughts being repetitive and 80% being negative, it’s no wonder we sometimes get bogged down by our minds.

Impact of negative thoughts

When we spend too much time thinking negatively, it can have a serious impact on our mental wellbeing, which in turn can lead to physical symptoms such as stress, anxiety and, ultimately, depression. Ongoing stress, if not treated, can cause serious health problems, including heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, obesity and diabetes, to name a few. So, it’s really important that we recognise negative thinking at an early stage and take action.

Work  life balance

When we break down how much time we spend at work compared to our private life, this adds up to a considerable chunk of our week.

Average time spent during a week: at work – 40 hours; personal time – 79 hours; sleep – 49 hours

Now take into consideration that we don’t just think about our jobs when we're at work and that these thoughts also spill over into our personal time. If you’re being honest with yourself, how many of those 79 hours do you spend thinking about your job?

Sadly, many of us have recurring, negative thoughts on a daily basis. Maybe you worry that you’re inadequate at work, fearful of losing your job, or afraid of what colleagues think about you.

Ways to stop overthinking

Fortunately, there are ways we can get on top of our thought process. Although we are still likely to have a similar number of thoughts per day, we can, however, choose to change the kind of thoughts we have.

1. Quiet time

Take time out from everything and spend some time on your own, even if it’s just for half an hour every day. It’s so important that we empty our minds from time to time in order to reduce stress and feel calmer. Relaxation techniques and meditation offer simple ways to clear your mind and help you unwind, especially before bedtime so that you have a restful sleep that isn’t interrupted by dreams concerning your job.

Another option is to put pen to paper and let your thoughts spill out. This can be extremely therapeutic and can help you deal with negative or unwanted thoughts.

2. Stop comparing

It’s easy to see the positives in everyone else and not in ourselves but this can be damaging to our mental health if done on a regular basis. Remember that everyone has their own unique strengths and weaknesses. You may well excel at a task that a colleague is not capable of completing.

Social media is often a root cause of us comparing ourselves to others. If possible, try not to follow or have work colleagues as friends on your social accounts as this can create more negative thoughts about your job which could take over your personal time.

3. Occupy your mind

One of the best ways to stop overthinking your job is to occupy your mind with activities such as puzzles, crosswords or reading. You can also practise mindfulness (to bring your attention to the here and now), take up a hobby such as photography, or set yourself a physical challenge that will test your mettle and take your mental focus off work.

4. Talk about your thoughts

This may seem like a daunting task when work-related thoughts are in play but when you air your concerns in a positive way, you might find that they're merely just thoughts that you've created yourself. Perhaps you’re worried that your boss is angry with you or doesn't think you’re good enough at your job? Either way, whether our thoughts are justified or pure fabrication, talking about them can often put our minds at rest. Afterwards, you’ll probably wonder why you wasted so much of your time stressing over something that could be easily resolved.

How to prevent workplace bullying

Unfortunately, bullying isn’t just something we experience at school or when we’re younger, it can continue into adult life. Workplace bullying is far more commonplace than you might expect.

What is bullying?

So, what constitutes bullying and how can we recognise it?

• Gossiping – talking negatively behind someone’s back, spreading malicious rumours or trying to turn others against someone are bullying tactics that can cause problems in the workplace.
• Exclusion – If you are being excluded from certain activities in or outside of the workplace, such as lunchtime gatherings and social events, this can leave you wondering whether you're disliked and whether you have done something to upset people.
• Unreasonable criticism – There will be times for most of us when we don’t get things quite right and we may be criticised for our work or behaviour, but when you feel as though the criticism is unjust or becoming a regular occurrence, you could be experiencing bullying tactics.
• Abusive language – If someone uses abusive or offensive language towards you, this can be extremely upsetting. Whether it’s directed at you because of your race, religion or sexual orientation, this is unacceptable behaviour that needs addressing. 
• Sabotage – Very often, a workplace bully will do everything in their power to sabotage your work and reputation. Perhaps they have taken credit for a successful task you have completed, or maybe they put the blame on you to cover up their own mistakes.

Effects of bullying

Bullying can have serious, detrimental affects on our mental and physical health if it isn’t nipped in the bud. As well as causing low self-esteem, disturbed sleep patterns, anger, lack of concentration, and a feeling of helplessness, the physical symptoms can be quite traumatic. When we undergo a large amount of stress for long periods of time, our bodies react and you could experience high blood pressure, panic attacks and ulcers.

Whether it’s yourself or someone else that is being bullied, this can also have a negative effect on the workplace so it’s important for employers and employees to recognise when it’s happening. Working in a toxic and hostile environment is unpleasant for everyone and can have knock-on effects for the whole workforce. It can cause a drop in productivity, a rise in absenteeism, low retention and high staff turnover, if bullying isn’t dealt with appropriately, it can result in legal issues.

Reasons for bullying

More often than not, bullies are lacking in self-esteem and feel the need to bring others down in order to build themselves up. Maybe they are jealous of your position at work, your relationships, how much you earn, your intelligence or even your appearance.

If bullies feel inferior or see someone as a threat, they use bullying tactics so that they can feel in control and gain recognition.

How to deal with workplace bullies

• Speak up – Try to speak to the bully in a calm manner. Be aware of your body language and tone of voice so that you don’t appear threatening or intimidating. Keep eye contact, a relaxed posture and explain why their behaviour is causing a problem. Sometimes, bullies aren’t conscious of their behaviour and when confronted, they might just take on board your concerns.
• Speak with someone in authority – Discuss the situation with your boss, or if it’s your boss that’s displaying the signs of a bully, then speak with someone higher up or in HR. Before you do speak to someone, keep a record of the times, dates and events of the bullying.
• Seek support – Spend time with close friends and family and talk to them about what you’re going through as they can offer support and reassurance that will boost your self-esteem. 
• Look for another job – This isn’t the most ideal outcome but if you have taken action and done all of the above but the bullying continues and your mental and physical health is suffering because of it, perhaps finding another place of work is the only other option that remains. 

If you or someone else is being bullied in the workplace, the website GOV.UK offers helpful advice. Alternatively, speak with ACAS on 0300 123 1100 or read their advice leaflet.

Coping with depression at work

Not everyone who suffers from depression shows the obvious symptoms that we're familiar with, such as sadness, fatigue and being withdrawn. High-functioning depression is more common than we realise.

What is high-functioning depression?

When someone is suffering internally, but to the rest of the world it appears as though they're fine, this is classed as high-functioning depression. The person suffering might still socialise with friends, turn up to work every day and appear to be living a happy and ‘normal’ life, but on the inside and behind closed doors, they're suffering great pain.

Take time out and put yourself first

If you suffer from high-functioning depression and dread the thought of going to work and facing people each day, there are several ways to help you cope.

Most days will feel like an uphill struggle but there will be certain times when everything becomes too much to deal with. Give yourself some breathing space, literally. Even if it’s just for five minutes, escape to another room, or outside if possible, take some deep breaths and try to quieten your mind. Your mental and physical wellbeing should always take priority – work can wait five minutes!

Share your feelings

Whether it’s your boss, a work colleague or someone in HR, try to talk to someone at work about your depression and how you're feeling. Not only will it help ease the burden a little, if they're understanding, they'll give you some leeway for the times when you really need it. They might even let you work from home if you really can’t face the work environment. You might find that people are a lot more understanding than you expect.

Practise self-care

Remember to practise self-care both at home and in work. Although on some days it might feel like the most difficult task, if you persist, in the long run you will benefit. Try to get enough sleep by sticking to a bedtime routine, exercise when you can, and eat a healthy diet. Drink plenty of water and take a walk outside or even take up yoga or mindful meditation. These are all things you can incorporate into your working day - perhaps in your break times - and they don't have to take long.

Prioritise and delegate

A busy work schedule will undoubtedly add to your stress levels and make your depression even more difficult to deal with. Prioritise your jobs for the day or week and learn to delegate work wherever possible.

Remember, you are only human, and you can only achieve so much.

The World Health Organization produced an information sheet on 'Mental health in the workplace' earlier this year. It identifies work-related risk factors for health and offers steps that businesses can take to create a healthy workplace environment.

For more information on promoting and enhancing mental wellbeing in the workplace, please visit our website for organisations and businesses www.firstpsychology-assistance.co.uk

How to maintain your identity at work

Spending too much time trying to please your boss and work colleagues and being in a constant state of fear that you’re not good enough, can have detrimental effects, not only on your wellbeing but also your self-identity.

Earlier this year, Rice University undertook a study, “Be yourself at work — it’s healthier and more productive”, which examines identity in the workplace.

By changing our mindset and taking a few simple steps, we can learn to maintain our identity and keep our mental health in check.

Recognise your behaviour

Initially, we might not even realise that our behaviour at work is different to how we act in our personal lives. Over time, however, you’ll start to notice that your mood changes and you lack confidence and feel like you can’t be yourself in certain situations.

Begin by listing your positive qualities and try to recognise what is missing from your personality when you’re at work. Perhaps you hold back with speaking your thoughts, you feel uncomfortable in your work clothes, or it might be that your sense of humour is missing.

There are many reasons why we might lose our identity at work, whether it’s because we’re afraid people won’t like us or that we could lose our job if we don’t fit in. If we continually strive to please others, it’s easy to lose our self-worth.

If we go for long periods of time when we feel we can’t be ourselves, we can become introverted, fearful and depressed. But the good news is, there are ways we can regain our identity.

Dress comfortably

There are many workplaces where we must dress a certain way to suit the ethos of the business and sometimes that can make you feel like you aren’t presenting the real you. However, there are ways of introducing certain aspects of clothing that help you retain your personality. Even if it’s the socks that you wear or the colour of your shirt/dress, these small changes can you make you feel more comfortable and more confident in yourself.

Dealing with negative feedback

There may be times when we receive negative feedback from our boss which knocks our confidence, but it’s important to recognise how the feedback is presented. When we’re criticised for our work, it can sometimes feel like a personal attack rather than constructive criticism.

Does your boss speak differently or behave differently towards you or are they the same with other employees? If it’s the latter, then it isn’t just you and this could reflect more on their personality than yours so try not to take the criticism personally.

However, if you feel as though it is only directed towards yourself in a negative manner, speak with your boss and ask how you can make improvements with your work. This can also give you the opportunity to discuss the way they speak to you without it appearing like you’re challenging them. Don’t let any harsh words knock your self-esteem as this can lead to self-doubt, lack of confidence and, ultimately, losing your identity.

Spend more time with people you can be yourself with

Particularly when we start a new job, we try so hard to fit in, we forget to be our natural, authentic selves. There are usually one or two people that we may gravitate towards because we feel more comfortable around them. By spending more time with these people, we’ll gain more confidence to be ourselves and show the true sides of our personality.

Make sure you also spend time with your closest friends and family outside of the workplace, as they will remind you of your positive qualities and will help you maintain your identity.

Are you a team player?

Most businesses rely on great teamwork to be truly successful. No matter what job a person has, each role makes up an important part of the bigger picture. So, for an organisation to run smoothly and achieve its goals, it’s vital for every member of staff to work effectively in a team.

In order to become a better team player, there are several attributes we can focus on developing.

Be committed to your team

Although some roles might require you to work autonomously for some of the time, undoubtedly you will also need to interact and work alongside colleagues. By being committed to your team, you should learn to listen to what others have to say, respect their opinions and be helpful whenever possible.

Take accountability

We are only human and, from time to time, we make mistakes. By shifting the blame onto someone else and denying our part in any kind of oversight or error, we’re likely to create negative feelings in the workplace. When we take accountability for our actions and take complete responsibility in our individual roles, we can avoid these kinds of negative situations and are likely to gain more respect from our colleagues. More importantly, we can learn from our mistakes and move forward with better judgement in the future.

Communicate effectively

Communication is one of the greatest parts of becoming a great team player. By sharing our ideas and taking on board the ideas of others, we open the communication gateways and create a more powerful rapport with our co-workers. By contributing ideas and actively taking part in meetings, we can inspire others by displaying a positive, can-do attitude. Try to refrain from monopolising discussions and be mindful of your body language. Making eye contact, keeping an upright posture and speaking clearly will make you appear more confident and colleagues are more likely to listen to what you have to say.

Be adaptable

To work collaboratively, we must learn to be flexible and adaptable. Some situations may arise that require us to take a different approach in our day-to-day roles and if we are able to adapt accordingly, we can encourage others to do the same - overcoming obstacles and achieving greater success.

Be reliable

We all know how frustrating it can be when someone lets the team down by not turning up, being late or not completing a task on time. One of the most important attributes of being a good team player is reliability. When our team members know that they can depend on us, we create a level of trust that is integral to becoming a successful team player.

John J. Murphy, a business specialist and author of books such as The i in Team and Pulling Together: The power of Teamwork offers some great insights into the power of teamwork as well as useful tools and techniques that can improve collaboration in the workplace.